Thursday, October 9, 2014

My blessing No 3

I've been waiting to write about my blessing no 3 since many weeks ago. I didn't have a chance until today. But the story that I intend to write at the first place has changed.

Sejak bersalinkan Umar, my menses didn't return. In a way, it's good for family planning :) tapi since dah more than a year, maybe we should be more cautious if we're not yet ready. Speaking about readiness, when can we be really ready? Bila orang tanya bila nak tambah, common answer 'biarlah dulu' sambil senyum kambing. Hehehe Tapi dalam hati, ada baby pun best. Dan bila terfikir bestnya ada baby, terfikir pulak commitment, energy, resources, time, financial yang kita currently ada to offer to that new baby. Buat kita ada second thought. Okay, takde dulu pun xpe. Kebiasaanya akan berbolak-balik, nak - tak nak, nampak baby rasa nak, bila badan penat anak2 buat hal, rasa tak jadi lah nak ;p

Until, the pregnancy test indicates double line, means positive, means you're pregnant, means ready or not here I come!

And the only feeling we have at that time is 'Excitement'. We wont care about readiness anymore :)

Hujung bulan 8, I always thought about being pregnant. I dont have sickness or nauseous yet. I noticed I started to have a nice round belly and sometimes it's hard. Walaupun antara kemungkinan yang menyebabkan itu berlaku adalah hasil memakan tanpa hentirendang, lemang, nasi himpit masa hari raya, tapi macam ada instinct yang mungkin there's something inside.

I kept on delaying to check. On 4th September, i bought the pregnancy stick, went in to toilet, peed on it and the double lines were quickly appear. Red and clear.

Mulut terlopong. Kemudian, tergelak.

I remember masa Amir, I did the test 3 days before period due, negative. And repeat a day before period due, positive but the line was not that clear.

Jadi agak-gaknya lines yg clear macamni dah berapa minggu lah gamaknya. That night, we went to clinic to scan. It was still very small, doctor assumed it was still 3-4 weeks. I was glad I detected that early so I wont miss to consume supplement required for early pregnancy :) So, this is it.. A mother of two and pregnant with the 3rd one. I am one happy mother.

The following week, 10th Sep I went for antenatal checkup at KKIA Batu 9, Cheras. The plan was first and 2nd trimester just pergi checkup at KKIA then only in my 3rd, we'll go and see my gynae at UKMSC. Cost-efficient.
During the checkup, doc has confirmed I was 4 weeks pregnant. We can't see any fetal echo just yet. I got another appointment one month later, 15 Oct.

I always curious how many weeks is my blessing no 3 already. 3 weeks after the last checkup, I went to a clinic because I was suffering from hemarroid. Sambil menyelam minum air, I request untuk buat scan sekali. The sac has grown, no fetal echo seen yet and the size was 6w0d. Doc cakap maybe memang masih kecil, it's normal to not see the fetus/heartbeat. 
Frankly, I was worried. Last 3 weeks, I was 4 weeks pregnant. But you know, I dont have last menstrual date jadi nothing can verify the most accurate week. Doc suggest I scan semula another week.
I walked to my car and .. burst. My previous pregnancies shown accurate week each week throughout the 9 months. We can see Amir's heartbeat at week 6, the size was 0.57cm. Through my readings, there are cases they failes to see the baby at week 6. That helps to soothe me.
I contacted Prof Hashim, my gynae tru SMS, explained to him about situation amd asked if I can see him the next day. Within minutes, he replied 'Ok, pagi'
Such a relief. 

It took me quite awhile to drive home to pickup kids. It almost maghrib so I stopped at nearby surau. When I almost reach the babysitter house I got a call from my aunt, my uncle was nazak. And soon after that, we learnt that he has passed away. The very next morning we went back to my hometown and reschedule my appointment.

2 days after I went for last scan, 30th September, Prof Hashim has confirmed I am 6 weeks pregnant, the sac looks fine and he can actually see the baby still very small which I can't barely see it ;p
Prof presribed me with Duphaston, hope akan membantu kuatkan rahim. And will see Prof again in two weeks time - mommy can't wait to see your heartbeat!

The week after, which is last Monday. Umar was admitted to KPJ Kajang due to bronchopneumonia. Luckily nothing s serious, he can be discharged three days after. Wednesday morning, 8th October, I found blood spot. Hati runtuh. Since Ami was around and boleh babysit our kids, I took cab to Emergency Hosp Kajang.

At the general emergency department, they scan and one of the doctors said it's too small for 6-7 weeks but he saw the heartbeat. Senang hati mommy. Later, they brought me to klinik O&G. *At HUKM, you can go directly go to emergency O&G. Lebih mudah.

Di Klinik O&G the checked and confirmed no active bleeding. Lagi senang hati. Kemudian, buat transvaginal ultrasound so we can get more accurate reading.
And it shows, the pregnancy was 6w0d and no heartbeat at all. Sebahagian hati runtuh lagi. Since kes ini cuma blood spot, dan pregnancy baru 5-6 mggu pada mereka, saya disarankan datang seminggu lagi atau bila lebih banyak darah keluar. *kalau mengikut calculation saya; sekiranya sekarang memang saya 6 mggu pregnant adakah maksudnya masa saya buat test awal bulan lepas saya 0-1 week pregnant? Impossible.
Takpelah kita jumpa lagi seminggu. 

Selesai urusan discharge Umar pada haritu, we were finally home. Unpack bags, kemas rumah sikit2. I noticed makin bleeding. They were not spots anymore. Get an appointment with Prof Hashim for the next day.

Since dah cuti 2 hari sebab jaga Umar, Khamis pagi, 9th October I went to conduct my lecture, buat class ararngement for Friday (today) and the following week in case I'll be on medical leave. I rushed to do a number of things before 1pm, kalau boleh nak jumpa Prof seawal pukul 2pm. Perut makin cramp and I was still bleeding. Around 1-ish baru betul2 setel, packed my bags and ready to go. But I just can't. I know I wont have the baby. Stucked at my desk.  I cried. I hold back my feelings for too long. Tapi nak buat macamana kan, itulah dia yang berlaku. Takpelah nangis kejap, jap lagi berhenti and I'll continue walking.
Once done, drove myself to UKMSC.

Nearly 3pm, baru dapat jumpa Prof. Bila scan, it's confirmed the sac has collapsed. Prof suggest makan ubat untuk jatuhkan sac, mungkin tak perlu buat D&C. Next week pergi scan untuk confirm if the womb is clear. Okay Prof! I expected this to happen, sedih tapi xpelah.

Kemudian I sat near to pharmacy counter. They called my name and explained how to take the medication. The moment he passed the medication to me, I broke down again. Cemas kejap pharmacist tu, sian dia. Hahaha
I walked out but could not walk far. I sat again at the bench outside clinic, cover my face with my tudung and here we go clearing lungs and tears again. It's official that I had a miscarriage.

Allah knows better. He has a better plan for us. I told Amir last night that there's no more baby in my tummy. He hugged mommy and sambung main hehehe

The fact that my child is waiting for me in Jannah, the happiness that Allah lend to us for the past month, the feeling of waking up every morning with reasons - i'm expecting a baby, will see him/her soon in 7 months :- Ini semua pun rezeki. After all, I'm sincerely grateful atas apa yang berlaku.

First ultrasound to confirm pregnancy, 3-4 weeks.

The last seen sac at 6 weeks.

I found this since my first pregnancy, such a beautiful quote.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Months after long silence.. Now, I'm back!

My previous entry in this blog was somewhere in June last year. Masa tu nearly finishing semester 2, now dah habis sem 3! Betul-betul xde masa and takde banyak nak share since work in progress.

Today, my semester 3 is officially ended. Of all semesters, sem 3 is often the most terrifying. For my PhD's programme structure (Faculty Business & Accountancy, UM), all students are required to take 4 coursework and 2 elective (total 6 subjects) and advisable to complete those by semester 2. And at the end of sem 3, we need to defense our proposal to confirm on our candidature. If fail to do so, we may have chance in the following semester and if still fail. Pencalonan akan ditamatkan. Before one pass the preliminary conditions like completing the coursework and more important pass your proposal defense, kita digelar 'PhD candidate' - calon aje ye.. jangan perasan lebih2 ;p  Once you passed proposal defense and confirmed on your candidature barulah digelar 'PhD student'.Tu dia... macam-macam hal.

Many of my classmates (majority quit their jobs in 2nd semester and become full time student), ambil 2 subjects every semester, including me. Sebab tu semester 3 ni I still ada subject to take.

Proposal preparation

end of June 2012 - I completed four coursework by sem 2. Actually walaupun sibuk dengan kelas, I still have to work on my proposal concurrently. In fact in every class, assignment mesti suruh come out with title and proposal. I came out and proposed quiet a number of titles to my supervisor since the beginning. Due to my limited knowledge, literature search and many others, my previous proposed topics were rejected.

Habis je sem 2 ni, I lebih serius working on my proposal. By hook or by crook, dah nak kena defense proposal the following semester (sem 3). So bila habis je exam for sem 2, I met and discuss with my supervisor. After getting his feedbacks, menelaah lah semula literature and revise the proposal. Especially bila I tau that I'm pregnant, lagilah I rasa I should not procrastinate any longer.

July 2012 - I submitted another proposal. Again, it is rejected not the whole idea but I have no idea dah macam mana nak revise topic tu. He he

August 2012 - Until one day, I suddenly thought of a topic. A totally different topic but still in the same area, Information System (IS). Jadi, menulis lah lagi proposal yang serba baru.

This was when I shared with my supervisor that I'm expecting and he was surprised hahaha He probably a bit worried whether or not I can cope but I convinced him that my children or other commitments are never be the show stopper. Kalau I tak buat kerja or not progressing, itu adalah disebabkan penyakit MALAS I sendiri. I harap dia percaya, sebab memang kadang-kadang Amir kacau mommy buat keje.. ;p  Tengok ni...

Tak dpt nak buat keje.. He's still awake. Huwaaaa.. Less time remaining, amir plish.. photo 307118_4196739122204_1179870407_n.jpg

He conquered my workstation!

September 2012 - I came out with another proposal and luckily my supervisor likes my idea. So we deliberate further that topic so it become more solid. He then suggested to submit that topic for a conference. I have only about 1 month plus before the submission due. Hectic. Moreover, sem 3 has started meaning that I have classes to attend.

Oct, Nov and Dec 2012 - Memang sangat hectic. Many times I balik lewat from office, nak setelkan kerja office and completing my paper for conference, assignment and proposal. Stressful.

I finally managed to submit my paper to GITMA conference, if accepted, I will be presenting in June 2013.

Oleh sebab stressful, kena lah pergi jalan-jalan kan.. So kami mempercepatkan year end trip, tak perlu tunggu hujung tahun. Apetah lagi I ada exam on 4th January, right after new year holiday.

Budget nak study hard masa cuti new year lah kan... Study smart aje, siap pergi PD on new year eve sebab nak tengok firework ;p My sister in law stay at Thistle, PD, so we just crashed in her room that night.

At Thistle, PD photo 484001_4201234074575_2138445980_n.jpg

Jan 2013 - on the 1st Jan, I rasa badan sangat lemah. I thought maybe sebab penat malam tadi tidur quiet late. So i didn't do much just lied down, until somewhere in noon, I rasa contraction. 3-4 minutes apart for almost 3-4 hours. I dah risau if jadi macam masa Amir dulu. Dah la ada banyak nak study... sekarang menyesal tak sudah kan? Hehehe

Until 2nd Jan, i memang rehat aje sebab once in awhile ada contraction. Alhamdulillah on the 3rd, I boleh continue study. I thought, worst case scenario, since I memang on medical leave for 5 days, if possible, I sit for exam in a later date. I was so grateful I woke with a healthy body on the 4th. Lepas Subuh, terus ke UM city campus to sit for my final exam.

Took photo after exam yesterday with Dr Noor Akma. Sepatutnya buat lompat bintang sbb dah habis exam, tapi apakan daya... photo 406583_4224595378593_1412708098_n.jpg

And YEAYYY! Final exam is over!! Syukur diberi kesihatan untuk jawab exam.

Tapi, tidak sepatutnya terlalu happy, kerana battle yang sebenar ialah proposal defense. Once habis exam, I started working on proposal defense - on and off with office work - kelas mengajar di UCSI pun dah bermula...

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah - 21st January 2013

My big day. The day that I have to defense my proposal to the examiners and panels. There were 8 of them including my supervisor - Dr Shamshul Bahri (blue shirt). Dan juga disaksikan oleh senior students and other candidates.

The panels and examiners photo 265194_4298699311145_1784815578_n.jpg

Here's the presenter ...

The presenter photo 601169_4298698231118_1657884180_n.jpg

Ready or not, muka perlu confident. Hati... hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Kalau boleh, tak nak repeat present and I just want to get over this.

Maka, bermula lah aktiviti 'menjual idea', test market.. kot-kot laku di kalangan mereka yang expert ini.

Bila kita kat depan, tengok macam-macam reaksi muka orang yang mendengar presentation kita... ada yang berkerut dahi, ada yang nak terlelap, ada yang terangguk-angguk... Mulut cakap lain, dalam otak fikir lain --> Apa lah diorang nak tanya lepas ni huhuhu

The time allocation for presentation is only 15 mins, and another 40 mins untuk feedback session. Berpoloh dahi!

Basically, soalan yang ditanya, boleh dijawab.. atau sekurang-kurangnya ada jawapan. But whether or not that answer satisfy the question... orang yang bertanya aje lah yang tau. Lepas dah present, nak kata lega sangat pun tidak, sebab result belum tau.

There were only 3 presenters for my department. I was the 2nd one. Selesai presentation from the last presenter, kami 'dihalau' keluar supaya panels boleh discuss and buat keputusan. Dr Shamshul suruh makan dulu since the food is provided. Harus takde selera. Sementara diorang berdiskusi kat dalam, kami, students berdiskusi di luar mengenai untung rugi nasib kami.

Nearly half an hour, kami dipanggil masuk. Dr Shamshul at first, wrap up the feedbacks, opinions for each student. Basically I just need to convince them and provide justification why choosing the research model I presented and to think about the access to get data, in their opinions that could be difficult but I think it's doable.

And finally, the result announcement. All three passed the proposal defense! Alhamdulillah. I am so grateful especially I only have to do minor revision in order to improvise my title. And I'm really looking forward for improvement. Their feedbacks are indeed useful.

Though, this is just the beginning but I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I passed and this will definitely motivates me to work even harder thereafter. Now barulah betul-betul rasa buat PhD ;p

There's still a long way to go... My plan is just to keep progressing, no pressure to complete in any shorter duration tapi kalau ada kemampuan untuk buat cepat, lebih baik. My family is also expanding, soon I have another precious akhirat asset to take care of... and they always at the top list. I may not sacrifice much of my time that I should spend with them just because of something else. Anything else can wait.

So can I be called a PhD student now? :) In shaa Allah, awaiting for the official result to be released. One of the senior students congratulated and told me that I'm the strongest presenter among others. Alhamdulillah.

Oh ya, the final comment for me after they wrap up.. Prof Ainin kata 'Now u boleh pegi bersalin' ;p

Tulang belakang saya....

Release tensyen for defense tomorrow.. Naik bot at The Mines lake photo 408470_4295188743383_1753253999_n.jpg

Are u a girl?? photo 408543_4294784933288_1241858264_n.jpg

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Hi, long time no see..

Yeah, berakhir sudah semester ke-2.

My last entry was ... end of semester 1. Been so busy? Yes, keje punya pasal.

Most of my batch yang register, yang mana dulunya bekerja, majority now fulltime student. Dan tinggal lah saya seorang terkontang-kanting juggling studies, work and family.

Everything seems fine. Walaupun masih susah nak manage semua commitment yang ada, tapi banyak dah improve berbanding semester lepas. Tak perlu nak stress dekat exam, kalau Amir ajak main.. layan kan aje ;p (excuse untuk mommy untuk tidak study)

Fact! #examFever

After all, sambung study ni pun untuk kesenangan di dunia. Tapi Amir, harta dunia akhirat mommy.

So bilanya mommy study?

Di office semata.

Sedang terhegeh-hegeh study

Mujur semester ni, exam tak berturut. So ada masa untuk habiskan study. Dan macam biasa, lagi 2 hari nak exam barulah terhegeh-hegeh nak study.

Dan satu hari sebelum exam .....

Still struggling

Sebab terhegeh-hegeh sangat, stay back kat office sampai malam nak habiskan study huhu

Harap-harap pass semua subject.

Now dah selesai semester ke-2, dah kena lebih serius sebab next semester adalah proposal defense.

Today, ada doctoral colloquium untuk candidates semester 3 2012. Mari lihat bulletproof jacket apa diorang pakai  ;p

Well, despite sedikit kesusahan nak menghabiskan study.. kerja cari duit.. dan menjaga family kecil kami ni, tapi rasa seronok sebab dapat study sama-sama dengan Ami  :) He's really my true friend.

Kalau malam-malam, Amir dah tidur.. kitaorg lepak dekat balcony borak-borak pasal philosophy atau research methodology! How romantic is that kan?

Kadang-kadang, lepas mandikan Amir.. keluar je bilik air... "Ami ada idea pasal study!" Ahhh.....

Tapi, both of our supervisors, bila kami cakap yang spouse juga sambung PhD. Their honest opinion was - susah. Obviously, it is. In fact sedikit sukar bagi Ami nak convince his supervisor yang it is own will to pursue his study walaupun not really required for his career. Logiknya, academician aja yang sambung PhD. But I think we should respect if those from industry pun nak buat PhD. It's more to self-accomplishment for them, so biar lah.

I mean, I know supervisor nak you tahu baik buruk, susah payah nak sambung PhD. They give you the real picture, or at least apa yang diorang pernah experience. Contohnya, spouse divorce disebabkan PhD.

Cuma mungkin ada cara untuk sampaikan semua ni pada kami. Sedikit offended di situ. Dulu, orang kata faktor orang bercerai mungkin disebabkan husband and wife bekerja. Tapi, cuba lihat hari ni... agaknya macam mana teruk suami kita perlu bekerja alone untuk dapat hidup yang selesa especially kat KL ni. Bukan cerita nak jadi kaya, cuma selesa. So, kalau many years ago orang pertikaikan isteri juga perlu bekerja menyebabkan keruntuhan rumahtangga tapi sekarang tidak lagi, orang rasa itu keperluan. Mungkin lagi beberapa tahun suami isteri sambung PhD itu normal dan tidak perlu skeptic.

Doakan lah yang terbaik untuk kami. Sebenarnya, cita-cita untuk sambung study ni adalah cita-cita Ami. Saya cuma ikut-ikut sahaja..  ;p Tapi dah disebabkan jadi lecturer ni 'terpaksa' force diri untuk sambung jugak.

For me, I can do anything between the sky and the earth as long as I have him by my side, simple as that.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Exam is finally over!

Actually dah over last week.. it really turned my life upside down. This is the worst part of pursuing your study and working --> EXAM. Dah la kalau fail kena ambil semula, membazir duit..

Hard times jugak nak dapat masa study, bukanlah semata-mata sebab Amir. My exam was on 3rd and 4th January, sejurus selepas cuti akhir tahun dah la tu.. 2 hari berturut-turut pulak tu. Hari pertama je, exam untuk subject yang tak berapa digemari, Research Method. Jawab memang boleh, betul ke tidak.. entah lah. So untuk paper nan satu ini, carry marks pun average je, my expectation janji lulus. Huhu. Langsung tak ambitious ;p

One more paper, subject Information System (IS). Ini semangatlah konon, area kita la katakan.. belajar pun bukan main sungguh-sungguh. Pukul 4 pagi bangun untuk menghafal bagai. Sekali semua soalannya praktikal. 16 pages article was given, nah amek jawab le soalan tu. Pun boleh jawab, harap-harap relevant lah jawapan aku tu ;p

Disebabkan haritu pergi bercuti, kira last minute jugaklah nak habiskan study. Bila last minute, sure stress. Dengan rumah bersepah, Amir ajak main, baju tak berbasuh, yang tak berlipat apetah lagi, ada kenduri ---> STRESS GILA. Tapi, sebenarnya tak perlu stress gila pun.. (cakap pandai ni) Kena lah buat one thing at a time (fuhhh.. bukan main!) Tapi, menjadi seorang wanita untuk sekian lama, memang dah nature nak fikir semua benda selagi otak boleh berfungsi dan boleh manage the capacity of the subject matters. Maka fikir lah nak study, nak spend masa dengan Ami dan Amir, fikir nak basuh pinggan, fikir itu dan ini dan lagi dan lagi dan lagi... Again, bukan salah kita, salah nature  ;p

Susahnya nak mengaku kesalahan sendiri kan.. Hehe. Untuk pertama kali ni, stress tu sampai tahap Amir yang kena marah sebab kacau mommy study. Sebenarnya mommy yang salah sebab study masa yg sepatutnya spend dengan Amir. Apa lah Amir faham kan kepentingan study untuk exam tu sekarang. I really feel guilty, that 'one moment' i was exploded. Sian terkejut Amir tengok mommy jadi Mommy Monster. Well, some parents kata it's okay, biar anak faham yang kita pun ada tanggungjawab lain. I agree. So i have a deep thought about this, i talked to some friends yang dah ada anak. They experienced the same thing. That 'one moment' kalau anak tersilap langkah, habislah mak mengamuk. Walaupun yang sebenarnya apa yang tengah membebankan dalam fikiran mak bukanlah anak, sama sekali tidak, tapi benda lain.

So, lesson learned. Berhari-hari susah hati fikir apesal lah stress sangat ni sampai cepat nak marah. Now, i try to improve myself. I planned (and now executing), untuk buat kerja rumah I akan pilih waktu yang Amir tengah tidur, most likely in early morning. Bangunlah kul 5 pagi, xpelah. Lagipun bukan I sorang je yang kene tinggalkan bantal busuk seawal itu. Ramai lagi mother yang macam tu kan. I prefer untuk tidak marah dengan cara meninggi suara atau threat anak. Insya allah. Amir just 1 year old, bila dia dah besar sikit lagi we communicate la baik2 kasi dia faham. Sooner or later, dia faham lah. Cuma I harap ada kesabaran yang tinggi supaya sementara ni bolehlah bersabar rather than expect Amir faham semua benda yang dia kene tolerate. He will soon understand. He is my baby, forever. Tak nak lah marah2 Amir. Amir clingy dengan mommy for reasons tapi bukan untuk susahkan mak dia kan. Mungkin sebab mommy lagi comel dari baba... ;)

Hah! Lega dapat tulis. Dah tulis ni, kalau tak improve malu yer.. Make sure improve tau!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

End of Semester 1!

Walaupun minggu ni sebenarnya 2nd last week, but the final 2 weeks basically for final project presentation. My turn to present for both subjects has passed yesterday and the day before. It really turned my life upside down.

Therefore, I officially declare the semester ends today!  ;p

Next week datang kelas, duduk saja-saja goyang kaki tengok candidate lain present.

One of my subjects this semester is Research Design, thus the final project is to present your research proposal. Research proposal. Benda paling basic tapi sangat penting dan pening. From zero, nak kena fikir apa benda yang nak di studykan.

Okay, rasa-rasa nak study pasal Information System.

Tapi general sangat tu, IS untuk apa? Corporate? Government?

Let's choose government, takkan corporate senang-senang nak share data.

In government itself banyak area. How do I choose?

I decided to further my research study during master, Health Information System.

IS in healthcare pun ada pelbagai jenis; Teleprimary Care, Telemedicine, HRMIS etc

Based from literature review, I pilih untuk study Hospital Information System (HIS)

Now, context dah ada, HIS. Tapi apa perspective nya?

Ini yang sukar sikit ni. Apa justification untuk pilih mana-mana perspective pun. Perlu ada significance otherwise is not worthwhile to perform the study.

Jawapannya mungkin ada di mana-mana journal. Mungkin selepas baca journal ke-10 kita dapat idea. Atau dah baca 20 journal pun masih tak dapat idea.

Selepas ambil subject Research Design ni, membantu expand my knowledge how to do research. So I revised my first proposal which when I read back ..... - Apa benda ko buat ni?? Haha.

I'm happy that before the research proposal presentation for this subject, I managed to amend and make my topic more solid. And Alhamdulillah, tak kena shoot masa presentation - but it is expected untuk kena shoot. Better now than later, masa proposal defence. Basically, the topic, research design and framework, research question and objective, methodology.. semuanya Okay. Prof just bagi opinion to improvise. That's fine.

Walaupun jauh lagi journey untuk conduct the research, but the first part is the hardest. I managed to go through it, pun dah cukup baik.

Sebab presentation je semalam, mommy bawak Amir pergi school mommy - I always wanted to do this hehe Tapi belum dapat nak bawak dia duduk dalam kelas mungkin setahun dua lagi  :)

"Prof, I have one question.."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm struggling but Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah and Alhamdulillah

Dah hampir 2 bulan atau lebih sambung belajar.

At first, memang susah. In fact until now pun susah. Since my study ni, ada coursework jugak before I can really start with my research, ada 6 subjek kena ambil. I started with two for this semester. Bermakna ada 2 hari dalam seminggu, pukul 10.30 baru sampai rumah. Pukul 10 baru dapat bersua dengan Amir. Kalau workload mengizinkan, keluar awal dari office untuk spend masa dengan Amir before ke kelas. Well I said enough in the previous entry.

Selain tu, kepala asyik pening fikir mana nak cari duit nak bayar yuran sem depan. I applied scholarship from KPT, MyPhD. Sepatutnya in October dah tau result samada akan dapat tawaran atau tidak. Dari awal November sehingga ke hari ini follow-up. Tiada keputusan lagi. Risau, Allah sahaja lah yang tau. Sem 1, dah bayar pakai duit sendiri, nearly 7K. Sem depan pun yuran lebih kurang banyak tu, memang dah xde sumber kewangan lagi.

Pukul 3 tadi, dapat email dari MyPhD. Katanya dah boleh check keputusan permohonan. Menggigil tangan nak click link. Bukan saja-saja nak drama, tapi kalau lah keputusan -ve, xtau lah nak fikir cara macam mana nak dapatkan duit. Apply loan, maybe. Walaupun ada yang kata senang, tapi mana lah nak tau rezeki berpihak pada kita atau tidak kan. I put so much effort during the application especially in preparing proposal for my topic. Kalau x dapat, memang akan frustrated. And again, channel mana lagi lah yang ada untuk dapatkan scholarship - inilah satu-satunya scholarship untuk pekerja swasta. Nak apply JPA atau MARA (kecuali loan) tak boleh sebab bukan bekas student tajaan mereka semasa degree.

Tapi Alhamdulillah, ada rezeki-Nya.... Bila login to the website, dia kata 'TAHNIAH'. Alahai, rendah diri sangat rasanya. My hands were shaking. Rasa hilang masalah yang menghuni otak beberapa minggu ni. Kalau tak dapat scholarship ni, nak kene fikir mana nak cari lagi  15-16K. Jadi, memang berita ni betul2 menenangkan hati dan fikiran.

Sekarang boleh la focus pada study. Tak perlu fikir pasal duit lagi. Semoga Allah permudahkan lagi urusan ni. Tapi apa yang dah Dia kurniakan so far, tak tahu macam mana nak describe rasa syukur. Dia perkenankan doa diterima sambung belajar dan dimudahkan-Nya lagi dengan bantuan kewangan. Sangat rasa kerdil.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Noone tells you it's easy!

As I already know...

Nothing is unexpected..

It's hard...

I hate it!

But it's possible.

Now I am in my 2nd week of my PhD class. Standard bagi seorang student baru je mendaftar, semangat berkobar-kobar. I'm a bit unfortunate sebab class PhD and my classes that I have to lecture start pada masa yang sama. Apetah lagi, September is short semester at my University, so class mengajar adalah super pack. My PhD class falls on Monday and Tuesday, di mana saya juga ada kelas mengajar pada kedua hari tersebut. Paling teruk on Monday (Monday never been kind to us after all) habis je kelas mengajar pukul 5, terus ke UM untuk belajar sampai 9.30pm.

Okay, cerita pasal berkobar tadi; betul2 sampai hari ke-2 saya sangat bertenaga. Lepas hari kedua ada kelas which is Tuesday, -------- tak pernah rasa sepenat itu. Kaki dan badan sangat2 lenguh. Kalau boleh nak tidur meniarap so boleh restkan my back. Tapi Amir pulak tengah menyusu, maka kene mengiring. Penatnya, Allah sajalah yang tau. Panggil Ami dari dalam bilik, he was outside watching TV. Nak mintak tolong urut kaki. Siap call pun dia tak jawab. Rupanya pak cik pun kepenatan tertidur kat sofa.

Memang akan ada mengeluh, merungut, menangis, stress, tense, rasa nak pitam - u name it! Memang akan ada sampailah dah habis nanti. But it's okay. If perlu pitam, pitam lah dulu xpe... Lepas pitam, bangun balik buat rutin yang sama. Sampailah ke sudah.

Di office, kerja dah tentulah banyak. Siapa kata kerja lecturer senang. Kata je boleh kerja 5 jam je sehari, tapi workload tak setimpal langsung dengan 5 jam. Tapi ade ke kerja yang senang lagi? Memang takde. Balik kerja before kelas, singgah tengok Amir. Main-main. Jalankan tanggungjawab lain. Pergi ke kelas, alhamdulillah kelas selalunya habis lebih awal dari 9.30. Lepas kelas, ambil Amir, 10.30 baru sampai rumah nak dinner, mandi etc. Phew.

Sapa suruh ko sambung Cik Kiah oooiiiiii?!!